is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
