I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
