So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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