6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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