I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
