my phone needs a breathalizer
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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