I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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