God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
