im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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