Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
