Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
