And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
