You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
