I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
