i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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