I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
