apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
