i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
