omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
