When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
