i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
