Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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