just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
