And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
