just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize