fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
