i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
