Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
