i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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