As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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