What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
