She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
