.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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