I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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