Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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