That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
