I'm eating all of the evidence.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
