I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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