I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
