First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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