i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
