It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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