My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
