I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
