Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
