I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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