i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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