foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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