dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
