You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
NoShamevember. You game?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
