Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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