i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
