I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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