this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
